just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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