the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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