East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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