I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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