I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
