If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
