he shaved USA in his pubs
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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