she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
