So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
