Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
