Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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