Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
