I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
