She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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