His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
