ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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