This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
