i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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