Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
