my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
