You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
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