It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
