Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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