I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
