I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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