i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
