I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
