I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
