Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
