Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
