I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
