So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
