woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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