you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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