turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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