A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
