I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm having to shit out rocks
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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