i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
