Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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