I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
