definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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