Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
