Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
