The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
