i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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