Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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