i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
