i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
