theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
