btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
