Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize