How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
