Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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