When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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