there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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