Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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