I was born with a shot glass in my hand
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
