In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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